My last month.

Getting through Marcus' birthday was part of my being absent the last month, but also back on May 11th, I had a little accident with my friends motor scooter. I think I posted in my little ranting not too long ago. Come to find out, my ACL was torn on my left knee and we finally decided on surgery.


On June 16th, 2 days after Marcus' Birthday, I had knee surgery to replace my ACL and to cut out part of my miniscus. Don't mind my beautiful photography of my leg, but I had to document it all somehow. It was hard for me to sit in a chair for any length of time, and so blogging wasn't what I could do. I still have to keep my leg moving so it doesn't get stiff.

I am still going to physical therapy twice a week, but I am 3 1/2 weeks out of surgery and doing ok. The Doctors think I am healing very quickly and I am progressing with my range of motion faster than normal. Of course it still isn't fast enough for me, but I guess I don't have a choice in the matter. I am thankful that it is going so well, I feel like I have been so blessed.

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs....and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I , the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

-Mosiah 24:14-

Marcus' 18th Birthday.

As we all know, Marcus loved planes and was a huge World War II buff. He could tell you every military plane that ever flew and know exactly what it could and couldn't do. So for his birthday, we had been planning to get this plane to put out at the cemetery. So we get it out there and John and I were just sitting, watching it blow in the breeze, when John turns to me and asked.. Can we put it up in our front yard instead? Sooooo, that's where it is, right next to his tree.

It really was a somber day. Since it was Sunday, June 14th, we didn't do much to celebrate. Aunt Monica sent a beautiful, yummy cake which we all shared in honor of Marcus. Of course we remembered him and reminisced on his birth and other little antics that he did.
Out of all my kids, Marcus' birth (right after) and a few takes of him as a baby, are the only video's I have. They are 18 years old, so I think I will have to have them burned on a DVD. I did get them out and enjoyed seeing his beautiful eyes and that moment of holding him right after his delivery. I experienced almost a "slip in the veil" when I looked into his eyes for the first time and for quite a while after. I knew he was an "old soul" and they way he looked at me, I just can't describe. I saw him as a man. I really had a hard time talking to him in coo's or in baby talk. I was overwhelmed with so many feelings! Being a first time mother, just experiencing the joy and pain of birth, and then seeing this huge boy (9lbs, 10 oz..22 inches long)! But the thing that really took over was the feeling of where he just came from and WHO he was. What mission he had in life and I was responsible for him to fulfill it. And now I realize that he fulfilled that mission in spite of my parenting and responsibilities. He taught me more than I ever taught him. He will be the reason I make it in this world.

Happy Birthday Marcus. I love you and miss your laugh and your smile.

Remembering a beautiful day.

Among all these days that have brought on so many emotions.... the band banquet, Graduation, and Marcus' Birthday this Sunday... here lies the date of June 11th. On this day back in 1992, Marcus was approaching his first birthday, John and I had been preparing for a while to go to the Temple so that the 3 of us could be sealed and this was the date we chose. In our faith, we believe that being married or sealed together in the Temple by those holding the proper Priesthood, that we will be together not just here on earth, but for all time and eternity. This day means so much more to me today than it ever did.
I remember kneeling at the altar looking at my sweet John, both of us dressed in white and the mirrors behind him that reflected on like forever. The words "for all time and eternity" sent a warmth through my body and spirit that I can't explain. It was so beautiful to hear the words that we would finally be together FOREVER. I didn't think it could get any better, until they brought in little Marcus, dressed in a beautiful white outfit and sleeping as though he were in heaven. My Mom took him in her arms and knelt by us. As they put his little hand on mine and John's, I felt the burning in my chest and a joy that I cannot describe. I can honestly say that I have never felt that kind of love, peace and joy in my entire life than at that moment. I know that Angels were there and that God was promising me that no matter what happened to any of us, we would be together... forever. I knew it in my heart and in the deepest part of my Soul. That day lives on in my heart, and is even stronger today. What a promise! I know without a doubt that we will live together in the next life... forever and ever. John will be my husband forever and if I chose to live worthily, Marcus will be mine forever as will Aaron, Noah Jackson and my little one I lost in between.

Graduation

All I can say is that I am continued to be amazed at the kids that live here. I should have known better than to only expect the Principal to call John and I up right before they announce the other kids diploma and that would be it. OH, but that was not the case at all. One of the Salutatorians mentioned his situation and how this class responded with an outreach of friendship. The Valedictorian mentioned Marcus by name and how he inspired and helped their class learn so many things about life that they will take with them. Then, when they were getting ready to pass out diploma's the Principal called John and I up by name and commented on how we lost Marcus early this year but his spirit lives on. It was evident that was so true. I held my composure really well until they started reading the names of the kids who were in band with Marcus. As I saw their faces, it brought back memories of those faces with shaved heads, those faces with big smiles enjoying life, and those faces with tears as they stood at attention, saluting Marcus' casket as he passed by them at the funeral. I wanted to hug each one of them and tell them that everything will be ok. We truly were inspired to move here and have this community around us as we went through this hard trial in life. They helped Marcus deal with his cancer, accepted who he was and then remember who he was and what they learned from him. God was watching over all of us.
I still feel a constant hole in my heart, sometimes it feels so big that it could swallow me up. Other times its smaller and a peaceful glow seems to come from that hole, as if Marcus is saying "I am happy and doing what I love to do, Serving my Heavenly Father." I have to focus on those moments and keep my faith that we all have work to do, and this is where we all need to be. One day I will see him and hold him but he will be proud of Me.
I added a link to a video that a friend of Marcus' family posted to his facebook group called "In Memory of Marcus" for those who would like to see the presentation of his diploma. I hope you can see it, you may have to join facebook to see it, but I'm not sure.

I am soooo sorry!

I should know better than to "vent" at 2:00 in the morning, when I am soooo tired and my depression and anxiety have the best of me.

This morning I opened up an email from someone that I have known and admired since I was young. She was inspired to read my blog this morning and read my last entry that was by far a very low moment. She sent me a beautiful email full of love, and caring encouragement. I am so grateful for her kind and loving words that made my heart fill with peace and renew my Faith in the Lord. I want her to know how thankful I am for her. God sent her to give me the peace and a reminder that I can receive strength through him.

I really am grateful for being blessed enough to have such special children. I am thankful to have Marcus as my son and he will always be my son for eternity. He has made it and doesn't have to deal with this cruel world, and especially his cancer. He has a mission to do and I know that he is watching over us. I am thankful that he was able to be there for Aaron and continues to watch over each of us.

I am thankful that no one has been seriously injured throughout all of this. These are just small bumps in the road compared to the eternal perspective. " I am not yet as Job, and do not suffer as he suffered". I have 3 boys here with me who I love and adore. They are my life and I will enjoy every moment I have with them. I am also so thankful for my dear, sweet, never failing husband John. He has such patience with me and my emotional rollercoaster. He keeps things going when I dig a hole and bury my head every now and again. He is a great father and provider. He never thinks of himself first and stands up for what he believes is right. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man.

MY HOUSE, I am ever so thankful for being able to buy this home that I love and that holds so many precious memories of our family. A place where I love the people around me. How thankful I am for the loving neighbors and friends that help me and support me. They think of me often and show what Charity really is.

My Mom. How I am so ever grateful for HER! She is amazing!! She held me up during the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life... watch my son die. She didn't have to be here, but she chose to, to be here to not only watch her grandson die, but watch her daughter endure the pain of losing her child. I will be eternally grateful to her for that and for my Dad. He let her go and leave him behind. Thanks Dad for being so unselfish to let her come here, time after time in my times of need.

This is getting long, but I have to mention my gratitude for my siblings. Each one of them gives me so much strength in their own way. The Lord knew what he was doing when he created families.

So there is my "UN_VENT" as you can see, my perspective has changed since yesterday. Thanks to a dear loving person who took the time to listen to the promptings and to write me a simple email. The Lord answers our prayers in so many ways!!! May God Bless you!!

A little female "VENT"

Today I feel alone in a house will all boys and a couple of Men. There have been a few experiences in our household that have been centered around Aaron. Some of you may have heard about them, some have not, so I will just mention them.
1) Aaron was influenced strongly by peer pressure and a Leader to let him shave his head. That ended up with many tears and a whole issue he hadn't planned on. Remembering the last time he shaved his head for his brother.
2) Aaron went with the Scouts shooting. One boy's double barrel shot gun wouldn't open so he decided to pull it up over his head to shoot it, but didn't think to take his finger off the trigger. As he began to pull it up, it went off making a huge hole in the ground at Aaron's feet...which sprayed shrapnel up on Aaron leaving welts and sores on his legs, stomach and arms. The leaders there were frightened and swear that someone (not visible to the human eye) held down that gun so that it didn't hit Aaron at point blank. THANK YOU MARCUS!
3) Aaron got bursitis in his knee and has been on steroids and antibiotics. If that doesn't help, then he might have to have surgery.
4) Friday night, the Scouts (yes, I let him go with them again!) went on a over-night camp out and rode horses the next morning. John (yes, my husband) went up early this morning to attend and have some fun. They come home and John is limping. Come to find out, 2 other LEADERS plus John are thrown from horses... not just once but twice and with John 3 TIMES! One of the other leaders ended up with at least 3 broken ribs, maybe 5... the other ended up with stitches by his eye. John landed on his back and side... he has a bad back as it is... I am scared to death what he going to be like tomorrow. I am afraid he really hurt himself, he just isn't showing it. Aaron also fell off his horse somehow, and says his chest must have hit the horn of the saddle, so now that hurts.

I have to mention that on May 11th, I took a leisurely stroll on my neighbors motor scooter, took a turn too wide and stuck out my leg which hyper-extended it which tore my ACL. That is the tendon that holds the knee together. So the 4th of June, I will be going in to schedule my surgery... MAYBE. Depends on who I will have to take care of .. either John or Aaron.

I really am angry right now. Here it is 2:13 in the morning and I can't sleep!! WHY? Because I (yes, me!!) am over reacting!!! I know nothing serious has come of any of this, but my nerves are completely shot! I told both of them not to go, and I am the one who isn't reasonable! You know that instinct that Mothers have, well my instinct is on OVERLOAD and I know when crap is way too close. I have had it!! Graduation is Tuesday, where they are supposed to give us and honorary diploma for Marcus!! I barely made it through the Band Banquet where they gave a beautiful tribute to him.. Memorial Day, and his birthday is June 14th. Aaron is supposed to go on a Trek to Wyoming with other youth on the 10th through the 13th of June. John and I were supposed to go with the youth, but can't because of my knee. I AM TIRED!! I can't take any more.... my nerves are so shot, I really don't know if I can really let anyone out the door of my house. I lost one, I can't survive losing anyone else. I hate that I am told by John and Aaron that I "just worry too much" or that I am "being over protective"... I am sorry. What am I supposed to do? I lost Marcus and I had no control over that, why couldn't it happen to anyone else? It obviosly has come very close!!!

I am so sorry for the rambling and venting, I guess tonight is when my Dr.'s prescription is going to have to help me unwind and sleep. I have worked myself up all day. Thanks for listening... YES, I AM JUST WALLOWING.... I know it could be worse.

Tree in Honor of Marcus

The Mountain Crest High School class of 2009, donated this tree in Honor of Marcus. What a beautiful tree for such a beautiful gesture. I am so proud of these kids who have thought of Marcus through out the school year and wanted to honor him in some way. This is a Flowering Pear tree, that does not produce much of a fruit. It blossoms in the spring, grows green leaves and in the fall turns a beautiful red/gold color. I look forward to that, because fall is a very difficult time. I have never liked October, now I don't like it even more, but I think this will give me something to look forward to as the seasons change.

Today my boys planted that tree in our front yard. We had thought about putting it in the back, but decided that it belonged where everyone could see it, enjoy it, but most of all remember Marcus.

Spring!!!!

Tulips and lilacs are signs of Spring. Unfortunately they both came out late this year. We usually have them in full bloom by Noah's birthday which is April 28th. This year we had lots of cold weather and we fell behind in the weather by almost 6 weeks. My tulips are pretty much the only flowers I have planted in my front yard, so they are pretty much gone by May. Sometime I will find something else that will bloom just as big in the summer.

Aaron and Stella our kitty. Stella has really taken a liking to the outdoors and has made a few friends outside, except for the dogs!

Yes, this is a picture of myself and my Stella. She has been such a great comfort to me through out all of this. She knows when I need a good cuddle and follows me around the house. I have come to love and appreciate so many things in this world. I know that God made many things so beautiful and loving to make us happy and feel joy while we are here on earth. Grieving through the long winter has taught me to look forward to the days of spring and the signs of hope that surround me. It all is a lesson of the way I can look forward to the next life where I will hold my sweet boy Marcus again.

Noah's "all boy" party.

Crazy boys! Noah's birthday was April 28th, but since I went to Women's Conference right after that, we postponed Noah's party. He decided that he needed to do an "ALL GUYS" evening. Bowling is one of the things he really likes to do, so we planned it at Logan Lanes. He invited his "bro's" and we got things rolling. Unfortunately, this time of year is sooooo hard to get around everyone's schedules with Soccer and Baseball going on. It's tough, so I know there were a few who didn't make it.
Noah did really well and beat everyone except for his Dad, of course. So now my Noah is 10 years old! The big double digits!!! I think I felt a lot more gray hair grow in just now.
Noah is taking piano lessons and doing well. He just ran the Wellsville Mile where a few hundred 4th graders ran and he came in 13th overall. He did a great job!! He is my big sports nut! Football is what he wants to play the most, but he is so small, I have hesitated to put him in. Maybe this fall I will let him. He is very athleticly minded, so I am hoping that means he will know how to get away from the big bad guys who can run him over and hurt him!!
I am very proud of him. Noah has always been my peacemaker and one who will always befriend the new kids

He is a good big brother and takes Jackson with him everywhere he goes. If any of his friends don't want to play with Jackson, then he will leave with Jackson and not play with them. He is an amazing child.

Noah's Piano recital.

Ok, I have been quite the slacker when it comes to updating.
Noah's very first piano recital was the 20th of April. He memorized it so quickly, I was very impressed. He is such a good boy and loves to play. Of course he wants to hurry and get to the fun songs, but all in all, he is doing well. I know I should work on getting him to practice more and on a better schedule, but he really likes to play.
Last sunday, 2 young men in our ward at church played a piano duet. His eyes lit up! I leaned over and said, "if you keep practicing hard, someday you and I could play a duet". He just BEAMED! He liked that idea. So maybe I can keep reminding him of our duet and That will motivate him to practice more.

Women's Conference

Every year, the Relief Society along with Brigham Young University put together a conference, or like a retreat for only women. This was my first experience going and I went with my dear friend, Julie Earl. We had so much fun. We stayed in the dorms, where the freshmen boys live when school is in session, so when we walked into the bathroom and saw urinals, it felt really strange. So we had to take a picture of us standing by one. How often do you get a chance to see those??

Anyway, the sessions were amazing and I learned so much. I guess it wasn't quite learning, it was more of feeling. What an amazing opportunity to sit with over 18,000 women from all over the country, (most I think were from utah) and listen, learn and feel each others spirits and support. A lot of families have little reunions there with Mothers, Grandmothers, daughters, old college friends, neighbors. We heard a lot of squeals in the halls as women would run into someone they hadn't seen in a long time.

One night they put on a concert and it was soooo amazing!! Brian Asher, and a few others from the "Reflections of Christ" display, performed "Come thou Fount of Every Blessing"... Yes I cried. Eclipse an acapella group sang some fun music, a woman on the violin played some beautiful movie songs and one of my favorite was Hilary Weeks. She is so cute, lively and so amazing with her songwriting and vocals. She has a new album and new song called "If I only had today". What a beautiful song! I almost sobbed, but it really was amazing.

The next day we were able to hear from the General R.S. president, Julie Beck. She doesn't hold anything back and tells it like it is. One thing that stood out in my mind is that she told us that we shouldn't sit back and be a victim to pornography. We need to stand up and fight! Fight for our homes to be a safe haven and fight to keep evil out. It was just a great talk. Then that afternoon we heard from L. Tom Perry, one of the council of the 12 in the Church. What a privilege to hear from him and feel his presence there. It was an amazing few days and exactly what I needed.